Want to Calm Your Child’s Outbursts? Start with This One Eye-Opening Exercise...

You’ve probably said this or heard another parent say it: “They go from 0 to 100 in a second — it’s like a switch flips!”

But here’s the truth I’ve discovered from working with children as young as 4: It’s rarely just a switch. It’s often a subtle build-up which is easy to miss. But it’s there.

Understanding it — for both your child and yourself — can be a game changer.

One of the first exercises I do when working with children and their parents is something I call the Emotional Volcano.

Together, we look at what happens before the “eruption” — because emotional regulation doesn’t start at the outburst, it starts long before it.

Many parents are surprised when I take them through the process and slow things down and examine what’s really going on. They realise… maybe it’s not going from 0 to 100. Maybe there were signs — just incredibly subtle ones.

Most of us think of communication as words — but in truth, communication is so much more than that.

In fact, one of the biggest forms of communication is physiology — the way we move, hold ourselves, shift our posture, our facial expressions, even our breathing.

You might notice your child’s voice stays the same… but:

Their shoulders tense slightly
Their skin complexion will change
Their eyes may dart or stop making contact – their pupils will dilate
Their fists may clench or fidget more or they may pull away slighty
Their breathing becomes shorter

These are all messages. But unless you’re really looking, it’s easy to miss them.

Consider this: You might be doing it too. When I do this volcano work, we also build the parents own volcano. And this part is always eye-opening.

Because here’s what often happens, parents start to see that their own emotional reactions - the tone, the sharp look, the sigh, the tension — are being mirrored right back at them.

Not consciously.

Not deliberately.
But automatically.

Just like your child’s behaviour is a protective response, so is yours. Your unconscious mind is working hard to keep you safe, just as theirs is. And sometimes, that means you’re both reacting — not responding.

The Real Gift You Can Give

If you’re reading this, it’s likely that you want to help your child regulate better? So, start by understanding yourself.

When you become aware of your own emotional build-up, you’re able to model calm, self-regulated responses. You become the emotional anchor they can hold on to — even when they’re overwhelmed.

And without doubt that’s one of the most powerful gifts you can give your child. Because when you learn how to notice and name your emotions, they learn to do the same. When you take a breath instead of shouting, they start to pause too. When you regulate with them instead of controlling them, connection happens.

There are no perfect parents

This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about becoming more aware.

Your child doesn’t need a flawless parent — they need a present one. One who’s learning, growing, and becoming more emotionally aware right alongside them.

The more you understand you, the better you’ll understand them.

And that connection?

It’s priceless — for both of you.

31st August 2025